The Grand Finale
Something common to all CrossFit gyms which is wonderful and occasionally highly amusing to any onlookers, is what we do immediately after one of our workouts.
Of course this varies according to the intensity and duration of a workout but there are some constants that we have all noticed which, in the interests of scientific observation and research, I decided to compile.
So here they are for your pleasure and pain, in all their glory for you to enjoy:
1- The Flat Back Finish.
This is perhaps the most common of all finishing moves.
Typically this occurs within 10 seconds of finishing but may not happen immediately after a workout is over like The BrianTran, however, you’ll see the victim making a valuable contribution to the world of sweat angels.
I’ve noticed that those who have bald or shaved heads also leave a puddle of head sweat which takes up to 24 hours to evaporate if left. Nice.
Also, if you are wearing a t-shirt, tank top or vest with any kind of print on the back of it, the mirror image of this print will miraculously appear in sweat after you get up from your flat back finish.
Perfect Instagram material. Like showing everyone your ripped hands or poo diary pictures.
2- The BrianTran
This is a very special finishing move.
It happens within 0.0005 seconds of finishing a workout.
If CrossFit was a PlayStation game you’d have to enter a very complex code on the controller, as fast as possible to unlock this special move. Something like: up, down, left, left, right, down, right, right, x, x, y, triangle, triangle, square, up.
The BrianTran involves shouting “TIME!” in a loud, slurred, soprano pitched, exhausted voice and immediately collapsing to the floor. Immediately.
Imagine someone flicking the off switch to your body, or being shot by a sniper.
This is a risky, but visually spectacular finishing move.
Few people can pull this off, but if you can complete the Brian Tran properly, you will successfully avoid bashing your head on any barbells, and will stay on the floor wherever you landed for up to 20 minutes.
Extra style points should be awarded for doing it in the middle of the gym floor, regardless of anyone else who may be rowing 2 inches away from you or about to drop a barbell less than a foot from your head.
Take a knee.
Every 10 breaths, look up and say something like “Holy Crap” or let out a groan.
Often seen mid-workout, one can smoothly transition from this move to the Doggy Style or Flat Back Finish.
4- The Frisk
A wall is required for this one.
In a wide stance you lean forward and place your hands or elbows on the wall to assume the position of being searched for drugs or concealed weapons by the LAPD.
Again, a smooth transition to either the Flat Back Finish or The Drunk is common after this.
5- Doggy Style
You’re not bothered about everyone seeing your ass crack or that you might be mounted by a horny stray dog.
A pool of ever-increasing sweat scores extra points, accompanied by the occasional raising of the head to see if anyone else is “dogging it” like you, with your arse in the air like you just don’t care… if not, a quick roll into the Flat Back Finish will make you feel less ‘exposed’
6- The Vom Walk
A staggering march to the closest exit, toilet or trash can because you feel the metallic taste of vomit in your mouth.
Can be immediately followed by the Bow Down Maneuver.
Puking will earn the respect of many.
Actual vomit contents will reveal to the world how Paleo you really are, so take care not to do it too close to the gym if you’ve just had some Mac n Cheese.
7- The Bow Down Maneuver
Hands on trembling knees but someone once told you that only dogs lie down, so you desperately don’t want to go to the Flat Back Finish because then you’d be a dog.
Very likely to be followed by the Flat Back Finish or The Vom Walk or, even more amusingly, the Doggy Style, which isn’t really being on your back so you’re not a dog, despite actually looking like a dog.
8- The Mikko March
This is rare. I personally witnessed this first hand in 2009 at a CrossFit gym in Northern Ireland, as the CrossFit Games Champion, Mikko Salo just finished doing Fran in 2:12 seconds.
He glanced over to someone holding a stopwatch, asked what his time was, nodded his head as if to say “yeah..that’s not too bad I suppose” and then after about 20 seconds of looking around to see if anyone else was about to finish, he walked off as if he was going to get some milk for a cup of tea.
Of course, with this move, you may just be going for The Vom Walk but, because you finished so far ahead of anyone else, no one will ever know.
9- The Vanishing Man
Not to be confused with The Mikko March, or The Vom Walk.
The Vanishing Man is not often seen because it’s a ‘blink and you’ll miss it’ kind of thing.
Within 5 seconds of finishing a workout, this finishing move involves walking away from the gym, on your own, to cry or call your therapist.
Unlike the Mikko March, you have to do this in such a way that nobody sees you. Like a mysterious ninja, you slip away not to be seen for several minutes.
No one knows where you’ve gone, what you’re doing or when you’ll return.
10- The What The Hell?
This is a brilliant finishing move. It consists of you not being able to find a single position that you can maintain for more than 5 seconds.
Everything you do is uncomfortable.
You can recreate the “What The Hell” facial expression like this: put your hands either side of your face and pull them downwards. Now look up and say “what the hell!”
In practice it goes something like this:
Look around like you’re about to cry, place your hands on head, then on your shoulders! then back to your head. Emit odd groaning noises, then go to the Bow Down Maneuver, immediately followed but the T-Bow, smoothly transitioning to the Vom Walk, Doggy Style and Flat Back Finish, all within 20 seconds.
I’ve also witnessed the “What The Hell” mid-workout.
It’s emotional and it’s very funny, unless you’re doing it.
11- The Drunk
My personal comedy favorite.
Slumped up against the nearest wall.
Limbs all sloppy and limp.
Dribble and sweat combine to make a substance called “sweabble”
It’s ok to wee yourself in this position.
You earned it.
12- The Fran Cough
This one is less of a move and more of a symptom.
Imagine smoking 40 a day.
Now imagine the breathy lung hack associated with those 40 a day.
That’s you after doing Fran.
You don’t actually puke but the cough lasts for up to 3 hours afterwards.
Walking around, liberally sharing your Fran cough with everyone is very important.
There are a variety of positions associated with The Fran Cough. Take your pick cos you can do it for all of them apart from The Hero cos they never ever look like they’ve suffered
like you just did.
You feel like you’re always on the verge of vomiting but only dry spittle come out.
13- The Hero
This is the best, most annoying (for others), most loved finishing move. Ever.
It usually manifests itself in a competition environment and involves lots of smiling and waving (think Annie Thorisdottir), followed by tons of encouragement and coaching to all those who will still be doing the workout, because you’re the best, you legitimately finished before everyone and they are all losers.
It is the true spirit of CrossFit and it’s wonderful and annoying and brilliant all at the same time.
Ideally every CrossFit gym should have a Hero finisher to inspire everyone else.
Got an epic wod finishing move?
Send us your picture or video.