Yes!!! Here’s the untold magic formula. The secrets revealed on how to get fat and not so fit in 20 easy steps!
1. Cut out as much dietary fat as possible.
Fat makes you fat. Just like eating apples turns you into an apple. Its logical and makes total sense!
Buy 1% or, even better, 0% skimmed milk, low fat yogurt, fat-free mayonnaise, lean cuisines etc. In fact every single thing you eat should clearly say “Fat Free“.
Never, ever eat butter or bacon or egg yolks. Never.
TOP TIP: Always take a selfie from an angle above your face. It makes you look like a model.
2. Start an exercise program that focuses on one thing, like running or spinning.
If you select running – because it’s free and cheap and ahhhmaaaazing…every week or even better, every day, go for several longer distance runs (10k+) at a moderate pace. Never sprint. Never go uphills and please wear orthotic insoles. Top marathon runners are slim so it stands to reason that by doing long runs, you’ll also become slim! Just like if you watch enough professional tennis on TV, eventually you’ll be good enough to play at the US Open. Its logical!
If you don’t like running, take a spin class, or do Zumba every day, or do some other “cardio” every single day for at least 30-45 minutes at a time. Every time you sweat, you’re technically losing weight so the more you sweat the skinnier you’ll become! As long as you never drink anything, ever, you’ll be slender and sexy in no time! Never change your routine. This will chronically elevate your cortisol levels enough to effectively store plenty of tummy flab! Boom!
TOP TIP: When your joints hurt it means you’re doing it right so keep going.
3. STOP lifting weights – Do not lift anything heavier than a 5lb weight. Ever.
Don’t do it. Who the hell wants to be “athletic?”. Lifting weights will speed up your resting metabolism which is the LAST thing you want when you’re trying to fill out.
Pound for pound, muscle takes up less space than fat. We want to take up as much space as possible. It’s your God given right as an ‘Merican!
TOP TIP: Never squat below parallel. It’s communist. In fact don’t squat. Squatting is unnatural.
4. Up your carb intake.
Eat a lot of fruit. A LOT. It’s natural and contains only goodness. Also eat everything that says ‘whole grains’. (No you don’t have to only eat refined grains – whole grains will also help you pack on those pounds). Whole grains are ‘heart healthy!’ It’s been proven by real science man…real made-up science.
Remember to add sugar to everything. Even better go for a sugar alternative like ‘High Fructose Corn Syrup’ -after all it says corn and corn is a vegetable right? So do it! While you’re at it, eat more bread, cake and other pastries as often as possible to replenish the lost energy from your morning run and afternoon Zumba.
TOP TIP: Remember- Mac n Cheese (low fat cheese) is best served with Doritoes.
5. Cut down on sleep.
Sleep is for sheep and babies and we are on a mission to fat it up!Sleep is the enemy of fat, so go to bed as late as possible.
TOP TIP: The hours before midnight are the most important to skip, so try to go to bed as close to or after midnight if possible, definitely in front of the TV, with some chips and dips and cake.
6. Make sure you watch TV every day if you can – preferably right before bed.
This will ensure you have the most effective fat-storing hormones coursing through your body as a result of the light-exposure. For bonus points, be on your phone/ipad WHILE watching TV….never miss a single thing!
Obviously in a reclined position, preferably on your bed.
TOP TIP: Your internet provider will sell you a TV package at a discount! Tell them I sent you and they’ll give you a discount on cake.
7. Avoid nutrient dense foods (e.g. liver, sardines, bone broth, egg yolks etc).
Do not eat them ever! These foods will leave your body feeling satiated and without cravings, which will make it way harder to pack in those empty calories throughout the day. Besides these foods are gross. They’re even more gross if you’ve never tried them and rely on someone else’s opinion who tell you they are really gross…preferably some else who hasn’t tried them
TOP TIP: Feed those gross foods to your dog….or your enemy’s dog.
8. Drink alcohol at least 2-3 times (or more!) per week.
Preferably choose high-sugar options like wine, champagne or cocktails. The benefits are phenomenal – the sugar helps your body store fat, the alcohol impairs your hormonal production, making you more likely to hold onto fat, and when you’re tipsy, you are way more likely to eat empty calories which are perfect for padding out those hips and tummy.
TOP TIP: Drinking in bed is best. You can watch TV, eat cake AND when you get your tipsy on, you can sleep it off!! Obviously after midnight.
9. When given a protein choice, always go with the lean, skinless option.
Meat is going to kill you eventually – you know this because a vegetarian told you and it was in some report somewhere…or something..and everything you read is factually 100% correct…just like the utter crap you’re reading here. Always choose the skinless chicken breast over rib-eye steak. The chicken option has far less fat and far fewer nutrients compared with a grassfed steak, so you will be guaranteed to need a snack and crave other nutrients soon after the meal. An even better choice would be tofu or beans. More snacks = more opportunities to gain weight!
TOP TIP: Dry turkey meat is the leanest AND they’re fed corn, which is a bonus!!
10. Choose canola oil or seed oils for cooking.
Avoid butter, animal fats, coconut or olive oils – these all stimulate your body to burn fat. Don’t do it!
TOP TIP: Rub Crisco oil into your back for a sun kissed glow on the beach.
11. Have cereal for breakfast – ideally with skimmed or semi-skimmed milk.
Cereal is fast, easy and all good things come in a box. Like donuts and cake. This is the perfect high carb, low-nutrient combo which will really work to get that fat storage started nice and early in the day. If you really can’t stand cereal, go with waffles or pancakes. If you really want eggs, then choose egg-white omelets – you really don’t want all the nutrients in that vile egg-yolk!
TOP TIP: IHOP does plenty of all you can eat options weekly!!! Not cereal but the next best thing.
12. Drink your calories!
We’ve touched on the magical fat-boosting abilities of alcohol, but what about other drinks? There are plenty of great options which will leave you fatter than ever in no time! Apart from obvious choices like soda or “sports” drinks, other great options are fruit juices and smoothies. Choose lots of super sweet fruits like bananas to cram in the sugar and BAM! you’ll down a few hundred calories in no time! Just don’t make this smoothie – far too many stupid nutrients.
TOP TIP: Drink protein shakes 3-4 times a day, between your wokouts and cake. If you have gas, diarrhea or bloating it’s because you’re using the cheap stuff. Always pay for the stuff that has a scientific name and usually ends in an “EX” like PRO-SPORT-ELITEX. It’s logic.
13. Eat bread – at least several times a week. And pasta.
Bread and pasta are your friends – eat them often! The wonderful thing about these foods is all the gluten, which is guaranteed to stimulate the addiction centers of your brain and help you eat more than you need to. Also, just 2 slices of wholewheat bread has the same glycemic effect on the body as a whole snickers bar!! Your hips will thank you with a jiggle!
TOP TIP: While you’re comparing 2 slices of bread to a Snickers bar, why not just go ahead and eat that Snickers bar too! Bonus points bitches.
14. Work long hours in an office.
The longer the hours the better – and if you can find a high-stress job, that’ll be even more effective to help with the tummy-fat accumulation. Cortisol baby!
TOP TIP: Try to get a job that involves a 90 minute drive to and from work every day so you can ‘relax’ in the car with Netflix and cake.
15. Avoid spending time in the sun.
You really do not want to get those Vit D levels up. If you HAVE to be in the sun, wear tons of chemical sunscreen – you’ll get the added bonus of messing with your hormones and causing cancer at the same time.
TOP TIP: If you do go out in the sun, use a generous application of canola oil to get your brown on.
16. Stay away from veggies.
They all taste like someone threw dirt in your mouth. These are not your friends. If you must eat them, pretend french fries and ketchup are veggies and go to town.
TOP TIP: Corn is a vegetable- so when you have it, in any form, it’ll get the health freaks off your back. Pop corn, sweet corn, corn dogs, high fructose corn syrup….all good…with cake.
17. When going to a potluck, always be the one who brings cookies, muffins or donuts.
That way, if there is nothing available but paleo food, you will still be able to live free and eat your own stash! Nobody will ever know it was you because it’s a potluck! Anonymity bitches!!!
TOP TIP: Most supermarkets will have a ‘sale section’ where the pastries are about to go off. Buy these on a Monday for that paleo Saturday Potluck. Genius.
18. When it comes to working out, more is always more.
Work out as often as possible. 7 or even 8 days a week will help you to plateau and ensure that your body is constantly in a maximum state of cortisol production and inflammation. More is MORE !
TOP TIP: Time is money so working out more, means you’re worth more. Logic.
19. Always make excuses. Use any excuse you can to binge on crappy foods.
Going through a break-up? Binge. Had a stressful day? Binge. Achieve something great? Reward yourself with a binge.
The Holidays are the ultimate excuse, so use them to binge your heart out!! Start now!
TOP TIP: Celebrate LIFE! Daily…with donuts.
20. Always, always talk about your past athletic endeavors to everyone.
They NEED to know that you used to be the high school hero, 15, 20 or 25 years ago. If you talk about how fast, strong, sexy and swoll you once were it stands to reason that people will eventually think you’ve still got it! They’ll respect you more for being fat now and it will give you the chance to talk about the game you saw in bed last night.
TOP TIP: Live your dreams through other people.
And there you go! You need never worry about your low weight again – with these easy-to-follow, guaranteed steps, you’ll be plumper than plump in no time at all! And it’ll happen quicker if you can choose more than one step.
ps. While this post may sound sarcastic, it is actually very serious. The only sarcasm here is the fact that you actually might WANT to get fat. All these steps can cause unnecessary and unhealthy body fat gain. Sort it. Now.