skinny jeans

I’m grateful to my parents for many healthy genetic traits they passed on to me.

I have a full head of hair, 5 toes on each foot and those same feet are not webbed.

However there is one slightly annoying problem with my genetics.

My dad has a big arse.

I mean this in the nicest possible way of course. Thanks to my fathers bottom, I can squat deeply, deadlift, run, jump, lunge and pistol-squat. I can even do a fancy dance that I have subjected my wife to on special occasions…but that’s another story.

These same magnificent buttocks though have caused me one frequent problem. I can’t buy jeans.

Let me rephrase that. It seems that there are plenty of choices of jeans out there but I simply can’t wear them and keep my self respect.

I’m not the only CrossFitter out there with this problem. It not just limited to CrossFit either. Bodybuilders have, for obvious reasons, had this same issue for decades but their solution is not for me….

pants

If I ever want to dress like a rodeo clown, I know where to go!

Skinny jeans seem to have been “in fashion” for far too long now. When I was 12 I had a pair of ‘drainpipe’ stretch jeans that successfully managed to keep my voice from breaking for a few weeks. They were stupid. They took ages to put on and I had to roll them down my legs to take them off. Modern skinny jeans appear to be exactly the same. They are worn by gentlemen with severe quadraceps atrophy and rock stars with a drug problem but annoyingly attractive girlfriend.

They just don’t work for me. I may as well wear compression tights all day and be done with it. Proudly display ‘the family jewels’ all framed there and wait for the fallout.

Then there’s the hybrid skinny jean/harem pant style. Lord have mercy!

For me to wear these car crash fashion items would be hilarious. They generally make me feel like a true ‘Belieber’ -apparently these are Justin Beiber wannabes or lookalikes with who have an aversion to squatting.

The 40th American Music Awards

There are plenty of influences from the past on these jeans – Harem pants, originally worn by men and women in the Middle East and India. The pants were cooling and presumably quite liberating for men because of the drop crotch styling. This is probably quite nice if you have a hernia from over-bracing in the squat or deadlift or if you have chronic hemorrhoids. You can also get away with wearing anything similar to this style if you are going to an MC Hammer concert.

Me? I’d only wear them for a joke or out of necessity like this gentleman .

The simple fact is good old fashion denim jeans that fit a guy like me are hard to find!

I have a 30-32 inch waist depending on how filthy my diet has been. My butt however belongs to a man with a 34-36 inch waist. If I make a compromise and buy a pair of jeans with a loser fitting waist then sure, they’ll fit but it’s not a solution.

I’ve had trousers tailor adjusted which is probably the best solution but it can add another $20-$50 dollars onto a pair of jeans that should have fitted off the shelf.

The sad truth is that I am left to shop around and try on as many pairs of jeans as possible in my quest to find the right fit. Shopping online is not the same. You can’t try the jeans on. You can’t go through the Sham process of elimination

The process is always the same. I’ll take up to 4 pairs of differently styled jeans in various sizes that should fit me, according to the shop assistant. I’ll struggle to put these denim wonders on and then try a series of tests. If you were watching me on CCTV or peeping through a hole in the door of a changing room you’d get an eyeful never to be forgotten.

My testing procedure is as following:

Marching on the spot with a very high knee action.

Quad stretching, by grabbing my back heel and pulling it up to my butt.

Squatting deeply.

Lunging with my hands on my hips.

And the final test which involves doing exaggerated Cossak Squats

A pair of jeans MUST pass all of these rigorous trials to be purchased. If it doesn’t I walk out of the store, annoyed.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not going to head to CrossFit Brit and start squatting in jeans. I do want to know that my clothes are not going to wreck havoc on my gentleman parts or rip if I bend down to pick up something.

I could tell you the stories of the times I was squatting in a gym in London and my pants tore, violently from seam to seam but that for another time.

There are specialist online stores that claim to sell jeans for athletic physiques but you only end up wearing something that rides up high. 20 years ago this may have been acceptable… but not so now…

jean_claude_van_damme4

After seeing Jean Claude’s picture I am quite tempted to add the splits into my denim testing fitting room routine.

Most jean makers and stores try to help with a fitting guide describing skinny fit to relax fit jeans but trust me, I have tried all these jeans and they do not fit AND stay reasonably neutral from a fashion sense.

This blog post is a plea to all you clothing companies. Learn from Reebok who got direct input from CrossFitters to make excellent fitting workout gear. In the meantime I refuse to look like this:

pants

My mother would not be happy…